Every day presents a new challenge and every challenge I succeed at makes me stronger. Some people probably don't think that these accomplishments are anything to blink at but when the chemicals in your brain have their own agenda, sometimes it's difficult. So until I'm back to a reasonable percentage of life satisfaction, I will take every small victory I can get.

1 crock pot meal
2 baked dishes
1 polymer clay structure (yay, Adventure Time!)
1 cat that's almost back to normal food intake levels
1 fish that's healing from some sort of fin-related disaster
1 plant that's probably doing better than the rest of us combined
1 apartment that's almost completely in order (minus the box of clothes, ignore that)
1 female who is becoming very attached to having her own space again

I guess I can't ask for much more than that.

I have a great apartment.

I have a good job.

I have an awesome boyfriend.

I have an amazing mom.

I have lots of interesting friends.

I also have a brain that likes to self-sabotage at really inconvenient times.

So until I can translate the muddled thoughts in my brain, I'll leave you with this:

I am becoming an adult. Again.

I bought a fish.

I also bought a plant.

The real test will be whether I can keep these objects alive. When I went to buy the fish, the lady said it was the best way to start with pet parenting because they were so easy to care for. Meanwhile, I was frantically running over a mental checklist of all the things I would need to do to keep said creature alive.

She lies, my cat was not nearly this much work.

There's also the whole part about keeping myself alive. Or sane, really. I was not cut out for living alone. Except now it's me and my army of one little betta fish, one overly fat cat and one plant that claims to be impervious to inattentive owners.

I would say 'bring it on', but looking at the empty wine glass next to me, I remember why I wasn't a fan of living alone to begin with.

Boo hoo. But to that I say, 'to each his own struggle'. My struggle will to be surviving my boring office job, my long-distance relationship and the life-long battle of trying to create something for myself beyond my forty hour work week.

I want to feel normal again. It's been a long time since I've felt like I was in a place where I could concentrate on a task that involved brain power. I haven't written much in months. I haven't used my hands to make anything in a long time, either. Though I did bake something this evening, so I'd like to think that counts for something. But I want more. Not a lot, but I want to have something to be proud of again.

For now, though, I'd take 'successfully surviving on my own again' as an accomplishment.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me... and I'm feeling... well, I'm okay.

It's amazing how you can exist every day in tedium and yet you're still going because there's that little part of you that hopes eventually something will change. But what would you change if you could change your life? Would you take up a thrilling new hobby that gets your adrenaline pumping and makes you stop thinking for a few minutes about those hopes and fears that plague you? Would you exercise and eat right and pray that biology will alter the chemicals in your brain and 'fix' you?

I wish it were that easy.
 
Anyway, I just moved into a new place. Old, converted mill with amazing vault ceilings and a brook running outside my window. I've nearly unpacked all the boxes and the dust is starting to settle; the hodgepodge of my belongings finally finding some semblance of order.

So now what do I do?

The months of planning, waiting, expecting this and that to happen have happened in past tense. I'm here. I'm poor. I need to start my life once again. There are so many things I want to do and so many things there just doesn't seem enough time or energy to do.

So now where do I start?


Here, I guess.